Once again, our Mystery Debate Theater team of Tim Willette, Sir Andrew Kingsford, and Steve Rhodes got together to talk back to the TV with the outrage and insight that you’ve grown to love. Andrew brought a Connie’s cheese pizza and a six-pack Tyskie premium lager while Tim reported in via e-mail from his Wicker Park bunker, where he was nursing a knee injury and writing new death metal songs. Julia Gray, Jake Siska and Brian Rhodes contributed from our satellite offices out amongst “the people.” As always, this transcript is edited for clarity, length, comedy and sanity.
STEVE: This one is likely to be a snooze even if John McCain is desperate and needs a “game-changer.” What can he do, call Bill Ayers on his cell right there on the stage?
BRIAN: I keep hearing McCain needs a “game-changer” in tonight’s debate. Do you think he will choose the thimble instead of the race car?
TIM: SCHIEFFER: From Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York, I am proud to welcome everyone to the third and final presidential debate of 2008. The first two debates covered foreign policy and domestic policy, respectively. Tonight, both candidates have agreed that they will focus entirely on character attacks and slander.
TIM: SCHIEFFER: Tonight we present the 49th and final presidential debate. I will divide the next hour and a half into nine minute segments, after which I intend to kill myself. You heard that right: I’m going to blow my brains out.
STEVE: Hofstra was founded by a lumber magnate. I’m not making that up. He was a magnate of lumber.
SCHIEFFER: Good evening. And welcome to the third and last presidential debate of 2008, sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates. I’m Bob Schieffer of CBS News.
By now, we’ve heard all the talking points, so let’s try to tell the people tonight some things that they haven’t heard.
STEVE: Like how Obama’s a Muslim.
SCHIEFFER: Let’s get to it.