Mystery Convention Theater

Once more into the breach . . . Steve and Tim talk back to the TV, all the way through to McCain.

Archbishop Demetrios speaks.

DEMETRIOS: Let us bow our heads to the Lord.

STEVE: What, is Obama there?

*

U.S. Rep. Tom Cole of Oklahoma speaks.

COLE: Last week we saw what Democrats are offering America: an inexperienced Presidential nominee in a dangerous era; a Vice-Presidential nominee who’s the hand maiden to liberal special interest groups.

STEVE: This week we’re offering the same thing, only in reverse order!

*

Illinois congressional candidate Aaron Schock speaks.

SCHOCK: I have long been inspired by John McCain’s unconventional ways.

You see, he is a different type of Republican.

STEVE: He cares?

SCHOCK: I represent an inner-city area of Peoria, Illinois – a district that has never elected a Republican. Four years ago, I narrowly defeated a veteran incumbent. I won by 235 votes!

STEVE: Thank God the river wards came in!

*

Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman speaks.

HUNTSMAN: I know that the vast majority of Americans tuning in tonight are not committed to any one political party . . .

STEVE: Only if they tuned in expecting The Hills.

HUNTSMAN: In a world of artificiality, we are looking for originality, we are looking for authenticity, we are looking for a Beacon of Light to show us the way.

STEVE: Bud Light? Too easy with the beer jokes? There’ll be more.

*

U.S. Sen. Mel Martinez of Florida speaks.

MARTINEZ: My journey, however, is not a unique one.

STEVE: But let me bore you with the details anyway.

*

MARTINEZ: This is not a time for on-the-job-training.

STEVE: And so I call tonight for the impeachment of the president . . .

*

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty speaks.

PAWLENTY: When he showed guts and courage as a Prisoner of War, John McCain put our country first!

When he stood up to special interests, and fought against earmarks and pork-barrel spending in Congress, John McCain put our country first!

When he saw the need to change strategy in Iraq and boldly called for the surge, John McCain put our country first!

When he responded to our energy crisis with an all-of-the-above energy plan, John McCain put our country first!

STEVE: When he fought against the designated hitter, he put country first! When he said the beers were on him, he put country first! When he told that joke about Chelsea Clinton, he put country first! He was more willing to tell a joke and lose the presidency than lose the opportunity to tell a joke!

PAWLENTY: He understands the concerns of everyday Americans like you and me. What I like to call “Sam’s Club Republicans.”

STEVE: You know, the folks who own Sam’s Clubs all over the country!

*

U.S. Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas speaks.

BROWNBACK: John McCain is a friend of mine . . .

STEVE: And he’s no John McCain.

*

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham speaks.

GRAHAM: [Iraq is now] a place in the Middle East where a woman can finally have a say about her children’s future.

TIM: What crap! The Baathist dictatorship was a grotesque human rights nightmare, but virtually every close observer there recognized that at least with regard to women’s rights: 1) the secular Hussein regime’s record on gender equality, shameful as it certainly had been, nevertheless was among the best in the region, and 2) since the invasion, women’s rights were severely curtailed, primarily by Sharia-pushing militias who are now the de facto rulers of vast sections of the country. This is hardly a minority view – just Google “Iraq” and “women” and see for yourself. No one having even a passing familiarity with the news on this issue disputes this: “Women’s lives have changed, and they are beginning to look different. They are now too afraid to wear anything but conservative dresses – modern clothes could be a death warrant. The veil is particularly dominant in areas under the control of militias.”

I truly hope the situation eventually works out for the best, but the contention that because of the invasion Iraq today has become more progressive on women’s issues would be laughable were the situation on the ground not so hideous.

STEVE: Plus, Bristol Palin.

*

GRAHAM: Barack Obama’s campaign is built about us losing in Iraq.

TIM: Rovean ju-jitsu: tie Obama to Bush.

*

Former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge speaks.

RIDGE: For the consideration before us is not about who can take a 3 a.m. call.

STEVE: It’s about who can text one.

RIDGE: It’s not about building a record.

STEVE: It’s about faking one.

RIDGE: It’s not about talking pretty.

STEVE: It’s about looking pretty.

RIDGE: The challenge of our time is to leave nothing to chance.

STEVE: Thanks, Diebold!

RIDGE: Let us elect a public servant who refuses to think in terms of red versus blue – but only in terms of red, white and blue.

STEVE: Because the white states could win this for us!

*

Cindy McCain speaks; a nation pines for Mitt Romney.

*

John McCain speaks.

McCAIN: Cindy said a lot of nice things about me tonight. But, in truth, she’s more my inspiration than I am hers. Her concern for those less blessed than we are – victims of land mines, children born in poverty and with birth defects . . .

STEVE: Is way beyond the call for a Republican.

McCAIN: Finally, a word to Senator Obama and his supporters. We’ll go at it over the next two months. That’s the nature of these contests, and there are big differences between us. But you have my respect and admiration. Despite our differences, much more unites us than divides us. We are fellow Americans, an association that means more to me than any other.

STEVE: Hey, he’s stealing hope and change!

McCAIN: These are tough times for many of you. You’re worried about keeping your job or finding a new one, and are struggling to put food on the table and stay in your home.

STEVE: I suggest you go have an icy cold Bud to make yourself feel better!

McCAIN: I fight to restore the pride and principles of our party. We were elected to change Washington, and we let Washington change us. We lost the trust of the American people when some Republicans gave in to the temptations of corruption. We lost their trust when rather than reform government, both parties made it bigger. We lost their trust when instead of freeing ourselves from a dangerous dependence on foreign oil, both parties and Senator Obama passed another corporate welfare bill for oil companies. We lost their trust, when we valued our power over our principles.

STEVE: And don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of the White House, George.

McCAIN: We believe in low taxes; spending discipline, and open markets. We believe in rewarding hard work and risk-takers and letting people keep the fruits of their labor.

STEVE: Unless you’re one of those picking the fruits.

McCAIN: I know some of you have been left behind in the changing economy and it often seems your government hasn’t even noticed. Government assistance for unemployed workers was designed for the economy of the 1950s. That’s going to change on my watch. My opponent promises to bring back old jobs by wishing away the global economy. We’re going to help workers who’ve lost a job that won’t come back, find a new one that won’t go away.

We will prepare them for the jobs of today. We will use our community colleges to help train people for new opportunities in their communities.

STEVE: Choose any of the majors on this list!

McCAIN: This great national cause will create millions of new jobs, many in industries that will be the engine of our future prosperity; jobs that will be there when your children enter the workforce.

STEVE: He’s legalizing marijuana?

MCCAIN: We need to change the way government does almost everything.

STEVE: For example, our domestic spying program could really use a lift. And it’s time we made Alaska a state!

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