Mystery Convention Theater

Whereby Tim and Steve once again talk back to the TV.


TIM: Breaking: The winners of the “What Does The American Flag Mean To You?” contest.

First Place: “*#&$^ you, hippie!”
Runner-Up: “Obama’s a terrorist!”

STEVE: Third Place: It means no gays allowed! Fourth Place: Just send $49.99 now and we’ll send you the answer!

U.S. Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-Minn.) speaks.

BACHMANN: As Minnesota’s first ever Republican congresswoman, I am delighted to welcome my fellow Republicans to the land of Minnesota Nice.

TIM: As Minnesota’s first Republican Congresswoman, I think I’ve shown that I can be just as reactionary and frightening as any of the old boys!

STEVE: Now let’s talk about how much we hate Barack Obama.

BACHMANN: And, it’s not just a saying – we really are nice here. We’re friendly, happy people.

STEVE: Sometimes are smiles are even frozen on.

BACHMANN: Now, we have a lot of liberals here in Minnesota – but they’re happy liberals. Right, Garrison?

TIM: Do they get a rebuttal?

STEVE: Has she ever read him?

TIM (imagined by Steve): No, they banned his books in her town.

BACHMANN: For my husband, Marcus, and I, and for our five children, service took the form of opening our home to welcome 23 foster children.

STEVE: And 21 one of them are pregnant.

BACHMANN: Some of them came to us with all that they owned in a shopping bag.

STEVE: It was a Louis Vitton, of course, but still.

BACHMANN: But we must never forget what government is not. Government is not a philanthropic organization, it is not a family, and it is not a church.

STEVE: Though we’re working to change that last one.


Teddy Roosevelt biopic shown.

TIM: “Teddy’s vision lead to the National Parks Service in 1916, and a young Congressman by the name of John McCain helped him make his vision a reality.”


TIM: With luck, one day we will learn how AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” was selected to introduce the former Arizona Superintendent of Public Instruction.


TIM: Zzzzzzz. Jeez! Where have you gone, Karl Rove? A bloodthirsty convention turns its twitching heart to you!


TIM: “The Republican Party was launched 150 years ago to stop the steady spread of slavery. But fear not, America! We’ve since changed our minds about a lot of that black-white stuff.”


TIM: “You’re probably asking why a Hispanic Democrat supports John McCain. Well, I begin by overlooking how screwed up your party is on immigration!”


George W. Bush speaks via video.

TIM: “Fellow citizens, if the Hanoi Hilton was not enough to break John McCain’s will, it’s incredible to believe that the Christian Coalition could. But these are incredible times – eh, my friends?”


Fred Thompson speaks.

THOMPSON: Tonight our thoughts are still with our friends and fellow citizens in the Gulf Coast area, and our thanks go to those who have worked so hard to keep them safe. There can be no more important work than this.

But what we are doing at this convention is also important to our country.

STEVE: We have to nominate the people who will screw up the next hurricane!

THOMPSON: Listening to them you’d think that we were in the middle of a great depression . . .

TIM: Listening to them you’d think wages are down, unemployment is up, and the national debt is out of control. These folks need a reality check!

THOMPSON: Some Washington pundits and media big shots are in a frenzy over the selection of a woman who has actually governed rather than just talked a good game on the Sunday talk shows and hit the Washington cocktail circuit.

STEVE: Like me! And I didn’t see her at any of those parties!

Actually, Thompson’s speech was startlingly effective. Worth a read.


Joe Lieberman speaks; a nation mourns.

LIEBERMAN: What matters is certainly not whether we are Democrats or Republicans, but that we are all Americans. The truth is, it shouldn’t take a hurricane to bring us together like this.

STEVE: Especially when a terrorist attack will do.


LIEBERMAN: What, after all, is a Democrat like me doing at a Republican convention like this?

STEVE: Making a fool of yourself?


LIEBERMAN: God only made one John McCain, and he is his own man.

STEVE: Now me, on the other hand, I’m a dime a dozen.


LIEBERMAN: If John McCain was just another go-along partisan politician, he never would have led the fight to fix our broken immigration system or to do something about global warming.

STEVE: No matter how much most of you delegates hated him for it!

LIEBERMAN: When others were silent, John McCain had the judgment to sound the alarm about the mistakes we were making in Iraq. When others wanted to retreat in defeat from the field of battle, when Barack Obama was voting to cut off funding for our troops on the ground,

John McCain had the courage to stand against the tide of public opinion and support the surge, and because of that, today, our troops are at last beginning to come home, not in failure, but in honor!

STEVE: This is an effective line of attack.

LIEBERMAN: Before I conclude, I ask the indulgence of those in this hall tonight, as I want to speak directly to my fellow Democrats and Independents who are watching:

STEVE: Stop making fun of me.


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