Mystery Convention Theater

Once again, Steve and Tim talk back to the TV.


TIM: “This year’s election is one of the most critical in our history.”

Has any politician ever said otherwise? “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for some straight talk: this election won’t make any difference. I’m not even voting, and I’m running for president!” Maybe during that string of pre-Lincoln nobodies in the mid-19th C. (Fillmore, Pierce, Buchanan).

STEVE: What’s funny is the election that didn’t figure to be “critical” turned out to be the most critical of all: 2000. Everything today flows from that one.


TIM: [Re: Daschle] “I recently was fortunate to meet with Pres. Hamid Karzai in Afghanistan. He couldn’t pay his staff’s salaries. He couldn’t even pay to keep the lights on. No, he didn’t have much money. He barely had enough to survive. But when he came out on stage and he was ready to play, people came alive.”


TIM: “Chain of Fools:” Inspired choice, but I think I heard the original. “Five” (vs. “for eight long years / I thought you were my man”).

STEVE: I think they thought they were hearing “Change, Change, Change . . . “


TIM: “I’m Bill Clinton, and I am reporting for boo-tay!”


TIM: [applause for Clinton] “Thank you. Please, thank you. Okay, please stop. Thank you, please. No, I mean it. I’ll walk off this stage! Enough! Okay, fine – I accept your nomination!”


TIM: Jeez, this guy’s good. Who’s he think he is, Paris Hilton?


TIM: “Everything I learned in my eight years as president, and in my eight years working around the globe, I first learned in kindergarten.”


STEVE: “In his first important decision as the nominee, he hit it out of the park.” What, if Obama had chosen Tim Kaine it would have only been a double?


TIM: NO! “Addicted to Love” as Bill leaves the stage? Who planned that one?! Yeeeow!


TIM: Kerry: “Never in modern history has an administration squandered…”

There he goes again! “Well, I don’t want to say all our history, because technically James Polk was more of a squanderer than Bush. Wouldn’t want to leave the wrong impression there!”

STEVE: “Only Millard Fillmore was more of a squanderer than Bush . . . “


TIM: “Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama’s uncle is here tonight. Please join me in saluting – what’s that? [speaker off mic] No, I’m not talking about Emil Jones!”

STEVE: “Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama’s godfather is here tonight . . . oh, what? He’s in jail? Well do we have an uncle or something?”


TIM: Have you seen the official RNC schedule?

Theme: Obama’s a Queer!

Theme: Obama’s a Muslim!

Theme: Obama’s a Muslim Terrorist!

Theme: Obama’s a Muslim Terrorist Queer!

STEVE: And look at the speaker list –

– Bill Ayers (by video)
– Jeremiah Wright (by video)
– Some guy Obama threw a snowball at once (by video)
– John McCain’s captors (by video)
– That New Yorker cover illustrator (by video)
– Andy Martin (live)


TIM: [Chet Edwards] “Good evening! Just for the record, the kid is not my son, either. God, I might be the veep candidate right now if it weren’t for that jerk. I’d be better off as Chet Nixon. Aaargh! Moving along . . . ”


STEVE: Daley spoke this afternoon. Just saw the very end. You’d have had no idea the man is a crook.

TIM: Well, I didn’t exactly think he’d start off with Hired Truck.


STEVE: It’s true that McCain’s torture doesn’t qualify him for president, but Tammy Duckworth’s war injuries don’t qualify her for the U.S. Senate either.

TIM: Tammy just referenced “Gov. Blagojevich’s leadership.”


STEVE: I wish Mike Gravel got a speaking spot.

“I don’t trust any of these other speakers!”

TIM: He tried but couldn’t reserve a room. They canceled his credit card.


STEVE: Where’s Pat Quinn?

“And before I go, a word about electric rates . . . ”


TIM: I was disappointed to see they went with the colonnades at the stadium instead of the wrought iron background.


STEVE: “My brother Hunter couldn’t be here tonight because he’s busy lobbying for MBNA . . .


STEVE: Beau, Hunter and Ashley . . . the Bidens, brought to you by Abercrombie & Fitch!


STEVE: What’s the big deal? Blagojevich takes the train home every day too.


STEVE: I was just thinking: what’s up with vice presidents, nominated and elected?


– Dick Cheney
– John Edwards
– Joe Lieberman
– Jack Kemp
– Dan Quayle
– Geraldine Ferraro
– Spiro Agnew
– Thomas Eagleton

I mean, Gore, Mondale, Bentsen and George H.W. Bush are the only respectable ones in recent memory . . .


TIM: [Obama makes a surprise appearance] Isn’t it bad luck to hang with the bride before the wedding?


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